Another writer I know shared her truth on her website recently and it INSPIRED me. It inspired me to be even MORE REAL. It inspired me to allow this experience to use me as a vessel.
Thank you Bene’.
I’ve felt ashamed about this grieving process since this is my first time ever grieving. No one close to me has ever passed. No one I ever spent adequate time with. My first time feeling so many emotions all at once. It’s overwhelming to say the least. But some people that I don’t know very well have advised me that expression is healthy and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. Yet, my nature has always been to protect. To protect myself and my heart from this world. To delicately choose what I share in my writings, poetry, stories, and conversation. I grew up alone. I’ve gotten used to it. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t desire company. I just choose it very carefully. I realize that on social media, pictures give the illusion that I have many friends … but I don’t. I have a lot of acquaintances; models I post pictures with, etc. The illusion that I have family… but I don’t. I have many ‘relatives’ that circumstances beyond my control placed where they are. So growing up that way and into adulthood, you learn to mask. You learn what to reveal and what to share while projecting a perception that may not always be accurate; whether intentional or not. Writing has been my best friend since I was a latchkey kid at around age 7. The words and characters I created were my solstice, my home, my …friends.
I’ve tried to form closer relationships with people… and failed. I can’t blame it on Vegas. It’s this new age culture. Most say things that they don’t mean and go on about their lives. I’m also selective which I have no qualms about. You learn to be selective and protective while seeking a matching energy. So I am grieving someone whose energy matched mine. Whose spirit lit mine on fire. Those people for me come every once in a while… and I am grateful for them all. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that “Connection” with many. And when I do, it’s often one sided. But when one is taken from you so suddenly… and you have no one to talk to… it feels like a prison. A prison in which the only company you have is your pen.. or laptop and memories.
Preferring to be alone than in company where you’re tolerated versus celebrated. Using the time to read, study, and stare into nature. Then there’s the crippling social anxiety; which at times I conquer but have learned to maneuver around. Still… in the presence of some, it is louder than others and unless I have to work; I just prefer to hide behind the dark curtains in my room.
I’ve felt and experienced many things in this life that most wouldn’t believe because people judge by THEIR experiences. They don’t see your past or what made you that way. They don’t see the fires you’ve walked through. They only see what you show them. And being a model/entertainer in Las Vegas comes with lots of false perceptions.
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I don’t like being this kind of vulnerable. I prefer to be in control. I admit it. I want to be able to control even what is seen in my eyes when you look at me.
If you’re reading this; don’t be that person that meets someone and says they want to be in their life and make no effort. Love is a verb. Whether you are a blood relative or a neighbor… You don’t know what someone goes home to. You don’t know what their smile is hiding or who they are when they wipe off the make up and lay in their room in the dark… wishing to be a part of a world that often doesn’t seem to want to be a part of them.
I encourage you to… LOVE. Not the “Love ya girl” sh*t that people say that bears no real meaning. Show up. Be the verb in someone’s life. Look beyond what they show the world and see the world within. There is one… I guarantee it. A stranger at a bar showed nonjudgmental love today just because they listened. Those small things are invaluable.
I’m learning to be unapologetically vulnerable. This is my only life after all. I write because it gives me peace and perhaps gives it also to someone else.
(Insert’s Music Break to Frou Frou’s “Let Go”)
Love Sincerely, Khalilah
