Today is my birthday.
I have thought about it for years. I believe I was 14
or 15 when it began. Off & on, I contemplated silently ending it all and taking my own life. I researched the ways to end my depression and overwhelming feelings of not belonging anywhere. In November 2005, someone stopped me. With a knife and a bottle of pills, I intended to cut deep enough that no one would be able to rescue me. But a knock on my bedroom window in the middle of the day… stunned me and changed my fate.
Since childhood, I’ve done my research on which ways are more successful. I knew that the worst thing would be a failed suicide attempt that leaves you paralyzed and unable to even try again, or worse in an institution of some sort where your privileges are revoked.
I had my reasons of wanting to leave before someone I love beat me to it. And for that reason, I’m still stunned. Stunned by the reaction of myself and the intent of my own I had several times. Watching life following the chosen death of someone I actually loved crept into my insides so deeply. Observing myself and others in the aftermath… And every time I hear the word ‘suicide’, I am reminded of myself, my past, and how close home it hits because I too could have been a headline.
I realized I have 2 things keeping me here.
Love & Curiosity.
Number one is my son. I love him beyond this. I want to see his life as long as possible.
Number two is my own curiosity. My circumstances haven’t afforded me to see much of the world despite my assortment of experiences… YET.
~The many songs I have never heard live. Animals that haven’t kissed me yet. Waters I haven’t touched. People I haven’t hugged. Screenplays I haven’t written.
There’s still SO MUCH I plan to see, do, and be.
I share to inspire and to tell those that think they are, that they are not alone. Depression can be a deceitful thief.
I am grateful that my love & insatiable curiosity keep me here. Grateful for your part in my story. Grateful to still be here. Insatiably.
Thank you. *hi five* I. Am. HERE.
12-12-12 Birthday Post:
Jamar Rogers’ ‘High’: